Canada's Hobby
by Syriiak
Summary: It started out as an attempt to get England to pay his debt to Canada. It ended up revealing one of Canada's most hidden secrets. Who knew? Crackfic! High levels of randomness!


"Man, that feels good." America grinned, almost stretching under the masseuse. "Dude, England. Little lower."

"I can't bloody believe this," the older country grumbled. "After all I've done for you, just because you won a bloody bet, I'm forced to be your bloody personal slave for a bloody week. This is bollocks!"

"It can't be that bad, Iggy," Alfred said with a grin, "you're working for _me_, after all."

Canada sighed at his brother's antics, twitching under France's… grip. "Um, higher please?" He did _not_ like where his older, ah, brother was going. France ignored him. "Hello? Higher?" Still no response. _Maple._ "Please?"

"I'm sorry, America," France asked America, "did you say something?"

"Seriously," America boasted, "it's awesome working for me. Me being me and all." Canada sighed again.

"Um… could I just get a drink of water?" Canada tried, not really caring that much whether he missed the 'massage'.

France actually listened, his blue eyes staring intently into Canada's. "Are you sure, _master_?" Canada nodded hastily. _Why is it I got stuck with… ah… France?_ he asked himself. _I mean… I know he helped raise me, but… maple…_

France straightened with a grin. "Or, why don't we-"

"OH BLOODY HELL!"

"Dude, what is it?" America leaned his head back, disappointed that his massage had quit.

England glared at America, his eyebrows creasing together to form a 'V'. "If I have to be in the same room with _that,"_ he gestured angrily at France, "then I can't do this."

"All right then," America sat up, cracking his back, "pay up. Hundred bucks." He held out his hand expectantly. France smiled, holding his hand out as well.

"Honhonhon," he laughed, "if I recall correctly, you also promised me a large amount if you quit as well."

"You don't," England said shortly. "And neither do you!" He glared at America, throwing the towel onto the floor. "I never promised anyone _any_ sum of money!"

Canada groaned inwardly. Of course he wouldn't remember. He had been the only one England actually _had_ promised money to. He quietly cleared his throat. "Um, actually, you did-"

"And anyway," England continued, not hearing Canada, "if I _did_ owe anyone money, it most certainly wouldn't be you _frog_ and you, you, you idiot!"

"Actually," Canada tried again, "you did promise me-"

"Why you fool!" France stormed up to England. "You did so promise me a sum of a hundred euros, but obviously you cannot remember anything!"

"Um," Canada started, trailing off.

"I did not," England argued. "You brought it up and I never said I would."

"That counts!" France gritted his teeth.

"So I never agreed," England finished. His angry glare switched to America. "You either."

"But you agreed to pay me…" Canada whispered, remembering something. "I caught it on camera…"

"What? Did you hear something?" England looked up, straight at Canada. "Oh, it was you, Am—Cana… da... Yes, Canada, that's it! What did you say?"

Canada swallowed. "I… I said that you agreed to pay me if… if you quit," he whispered.

England smirked, then started laughing. "Bollocks… why would I agree… you're such a kidder….." He trailed off when he saw the serious expression on Canada's face. "Oh, not you too!"

"You… you agreed to pay me because… you said… ah… you didn't want to back out…" Canada mumbled.

"Bollocks," England swore. "Well… I don't remember…"

Canada stared at the ground. "I… I got it on camera… maple…" Canada wasn't sure whether to let it go or not. "B-b-but it's okay, you d-d-d-don't have to actually, you know, pay me, eh?"

"Wait, did you say you have it on camera?" England frowned.

"Y-y-yeah, I was just, um, f-filming R-Russia, ah… maple… and you showed up, and the whole bet… thing happened…" Canada did _not_ want England to know why he was filming Russia. Although he often tried to forget about his French heritage, he couldn't deny it…

"That's impossible!" England shook his head. "I don't remember ever bloody agreeing to pay anyone!"

"Well, it's true! B-but, like I said, you d-don't have to pay me back." Maple. _Please don't ask… _he begged silently, _please…_

"Then let's see the tape," England decided.

_Maple!_ "Y-you can't! Ah, that is, um, er, I meant that I don't have it right now." He gulped. "It-it's at home…" If England, America, or worse yet, _France,_ saw what he had filmed… he would definitely be remembered, and not in a good way. And if Russia saw it, he might as well beg to die a slow and painful death now, because that would be better than the water-pipe beating that he would surely get.

"Fine then," England sighed, "I don't mind. You can bring it by next time that you appear. Wait a minute," he paused. "Why were you filming Russia?"

America interrupted the stuttering Canadian. "I betcha he was uncovering a top-secret plan to overthrow the rest of the world! Damn Commie." Canada sighed in relief, slumping slightly.

_Tonight,_ he decided, _I'm going to erase everything on that tape until after I turned to see the bet._ _And then, after I show them that, I'm going to throw it in the fireplace._

"Nonsense," England shook his head. "America, why do you always have to butt into everything that's not your business? Now, C….. Canada. Please, continue." He stole a glare at America, then looked, interested, at Canada.

"I…" _Does he even remember what he asked me?_ "I was just saying that… I was going to bring it tomorrow…"

England looked a little confused, then nodded astutely. "Now then, America, aren't you ashamed of yourself? America?" He looked around, then back down on the table where America was relaxing.

"Come on, Iggy, you aren't doin' your job!" America stretched, looking at the other country. "Hurry up!"

"America, you git, that's what this whole argument was about!" England glared angrily. "I quit, remember?"

"You can't!" America looked frantically at England. " 'Cause that means both me and Canadia are stuck with France!"

"Non," France shook his head, "I quit too. Unless," he turned his perverted gaze on the two countries again, "you want to make me stay?"

_Maple._ Of course it never occurred to America that Canada had been stuck with France _anyway._

Now he just hoped and prayed that they didn't find out about his secret hobby tomorrow…

* * *

><p>"Oh, hello, Am… er, Canada!" England grinned. "Did you bring that tape?"<p>

_Maple! I forgot to clear it! The one time he remembers me…_ "Ah, ah, um, I… forgot." He groaned, looking at the floor.

"Damn." England checked his watch. "How can we get anything done at all if everyone is always forgetting things?"

_I could ask the same thing,_ Canada thought. "I-I'm sorry," he whispered. _I'll never film Russia again,_ he decided. _I'll stick to the other countries that probably won't kill me if they find out._

"Well," England frowned, glancing at his watch, "you should have time to go get it if you hurry."

_Maplehockey! _ "Th-that's okay," Canada scratched the back of his neck. "Y-you don't have to pay, anyway. It was just a stupid thing, anyway."

"Oh, hello guys!" Russia's voice drifted from behind England, making the heavily eyebrowed nation jump. "What's going on?"

Canada wished he could sink into the floor. _I'm never taping him again._ He stuffed his sweaty hands into the pocket of his hoodie awkwardly.

"You'll never believe what I found~!" He held up a tape.

Canada's heart raced. _No. He couldn't have found _that_ tape! Please…_

"It was just lying around, so I picked it up," Russia explained, handing it to England.

_Maple! He found that tape and now he's going to kill me. _He took a deep, shaky breath. _Literally._

"Ah, you found it!" England smiled as he handed him the tape. "Now we can watch it and find out what happened, right Canada?"

"Um… yeah…" Sweat beads formed on his forehead. "Sure." He gulped.

Then, his eye focused on the label on the tape. _That can't be it,_ he realized. _That tape didn't have a label._ He let out the breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding. _I'm not dead after all. I can still erase that tape._

England looked at the label. "Labeled 'England 20'? What on earth…?"

Russia smiled. "That's why I brought it to you. I figured it was yours, da?"

Canada paled. _…so that's where that went… please don't look at it… please… if you do, it's not mine…_

"Well, I've never seen it, but if it concerns me, I definitely want to find out what it's about…" England's gaze drifted toward the television. "I don't know how long this is, but we may have enough time before the meeting to watch."

"Da, let's watch…"

_Maplehockey! I knew I shouldn't have taken more than about fifteen of England! Damn…._ That made two people he'd never film again. _Well, they always forget me… maybe they'll forget about this whole thing… maybe… maple… _He gulped, hoping that America was using the television, or, better yet, that it was broken… it could happen…

He stuttered, wishing to stop the situation but unable to. England was going to put it in the television. He, Russia, and a very ashamed Canada would watch what the latter had filmed of England. Then, Canada would die.

"Yo dudes, check it!" America strode into the room. "I was totally not going through your car looking for your wallet or anything, when I found this!" He held up a tape: _America 28._ "Dude, what's this, anyway?"

"Nothing!" Canada snatched it out of his brother's hand, stuffing it into his hoodie pocket. "Nothing at all!"

"Aww, come on, you can tell your old bro," America grinned.

_No, I can't._ "It's….. uh….. a surprise. J-Just like that!" He raced to England, stealing the tape from his hands. "Thanks for finding it," he grinned falsely, "I can't imagine what would happen if someone actually watched one of these things… Christmas would be ruined, eh?"

"Ah… Christmas. Yes, yes." England nodded, suspecting something odd about the Canadian.

"Shit," America frowned. " 'Cause I found like a whole box of them. I brought them in 'cause I was gonna ask what the deal was."

Mortification paled Canada's features. _What?_

Suddenly, a strangled scream sounded from the next room. Canada tried his hardest not to flinch, knowing exactly what had happened.

_No more filming, _he decided. _Ever._ He'd let his French half take hold about sixty or seventy times too many.

_One hundred and nine,_ something in the back of his mind reminded him. _You taped one hundred and nine tapes._

_It's a good thing Russia was the newest addition,_ Canada decided with more than a little sweaty palms. _I only have ten of him. Maybe he won't find them...  
><em>

America, England, and Russia walked hurriedly to the next room. Canada stayed where he was, unable to move or even breathe.

Minutes later, Italy emerged with the rest of them, crying. "I don't-a know what happened," he whined, "I never saw anyone at all, anyone I swear!" Canada could almost have melted into the floor.

_I'm good at that,_ he thought miserably. _They'd never see me, even if I were in plain sight._

Trailing behind the group, Canada now could see Romano, looking just as shocked as Italy, though not crying. _M… maple… and if it is one of the tapes… what else could it be... they'll know immediately that it was me…_

England looked disgusted. "Well, I do know who could've done that…"

* * *

><p>"Honhonhon," France laughed, "now do you really think that if I had, I would be hiding them? As a matter of fact, I would not be just <em>watching<em> them, if you know what I mean." He honhonhon'd again, taking a sip of his wine. "Actually, I wish I could have filmed something like this. This mysterious person has obvious talent."

"Damn wanker," England growled, unable to argue with him.

"Waitaminutewaitaminute," America interrupted. "I blame _you!_" His accusing finger was about a centimeter away from Canada's nose.

"Wh-what… maple!" Canada gulped.

Before he could defend himself or even admit to it, England jumped in.

"What do you think you're doing, you bloody _git?"_ He put his hands on his hips. "Accusing your own brother, even though you _know_ he would _never_ do anything like that!"

Canada's ears turned pink.

"Think of it. He's got the parenting." America's eyes narrowed. "Perv plus total-stick-in-the-mud gentleman equals Canada!"

"I am not a 'perv'!" France defended. "I prefer to think of it as sexually open."

_Maple. America's right._ He cringed, finding himself unable to say anything at all.

"Come on, admit it," his older brother narrowed his eyes. "_You_ did that didn't you?"

"Uhm…"

"You don't _really_ think that your own _brother_ would take a bloody video like that, do you?" England frowned, still intent on defending Canada. Canada stared intently at America's jacket, not saying a word.

"Big brohther… where are you?" Russia's eyes widened dramatically, and he ran out of the room, tears forming in his eyes.

"Oh bloody hell," England looked at his watch, "it's time for the meeting. Come on, everyone."

"Heh," America laughed, "I wonder when he'll actually marry her." They strode toward the door.

"_Never,_ hopefully." England scratched his neck. "He's crazy enough without her."

"That's for sure." Their voices faded out of hearing range, Canada left alone in the room with France.

Blue eyes met as France stared deeply at Canada. "What would I have to pay," he asked thoughtfully, "for all of those videos?"

Canada blanched. "Wh-what?"

"What is your price?" He took a long sip of wine. "Name it."

"Wh-what – I-" Canada swallowed.

"America is right, you know," France chuckled. "Sooner or later they will find out it was you. I can help protect you. So, what's your price?"

He couldn't believe it. All of his troubles, out of the way, gone. France wanting to _buy_ them. "Ummmm… Nothing! You can have them!"

That day, Canada was relieved of painful guilt and France was gifted with a great many new videos. Moral of the story: It helps to have France as a friend when you're a closet perv.


End file.
